Indian
relatives have always been the epitome of kindness and sensitivity. They’re
never rude or brash; instead, they’re understanding and compassionate. They’re
not shallow and they understand that beauty is not only skin-deep. I also admire
that they are hardly ever out of line and that’s why, when my cousin recently
attended a family wedding, the first thing they told her, was:
“Wow! You’ve
gained a lot of weight, no?”
(eyeing her
from top to bottom) “I bought you a dress but I don’t think it will fit you
now.”
“Too much
matter and not enough space, eh?”
She was
greeted sensitively ofcourse, with pitiful smiles and earnest advice. They
hugged her gingerly and told her that ginger green tea is a weight reduction
miracle. She was obviously denied rice and chapattis (“No carbs for you,
okay?”) at the wedding. When she finally got her hands on a bowl of gulab jamuns, they tut-tutted and
pointed disapprovingly at HER gulab
jamuns.
I think I’d understand this if she was an
aspiring model, actress or Page 3 socialite. But guess what?
She’s doing
a PhD in Sociology. She wants to be a Professor.
So, when a
similar incident occurred with me, I was unfazed. My father's sister and her daughter had
come home after quite a while. I was in the shower when they came so I quickly
shoved myself into some clothes and walked into the living room to greet them.
As I smiled and hugged my aunt, I expected her start a conversation with the
usual ‘how-have-you-been’s and ‘how-were-your-exams’ or even a lone but
sufficient ‘hello’. Instead, she held me at arm’s length and said,
“You’ve
gained a few pounds, na?” Then, she looked at her daughter and asked, “Hasn’t
she?”
My cousin
turned around, took a good look at me and replied in the affirmative, smiling
apologetically.
Then, they
looked at me expectantly, as if waiting for me to provide an explanation as to
how I could possibly have the audacity to gain weight by sitting in my room and
studying for two months. The most studying my
cousin had ever done was on her friend’s Micheal Kors bag; a desperate
attempt to determine its authenticity. So, I just looked back, smiled and thought
to myself: no gulab jamuns today.
Sadly,
superficiality is more widespread than subtlety. But, if your family is more
sneaky than upfront, here are a few cues you should keep an eye out for, if you
can’t tell for sure that they have a problem with your weight.
1)If biscuits are being offered on a
tray and your aunt skilfully skips you (She goes from cousin picking nose on
your left to snooty, frowny cousin on your right)
2)If the desert counter closes just as
you wanted some blueberry cheesecake kulfi.
3) If you’re above twenty and nobody
asked you when you’re getting married. Or, no one offered to search for a
partner for you. (They didn’t want to rub it in.)
4)If your aunt slips you the card of a
plastic surgeon. (“Tummy tucks never hurt anybody” she whispers with a sly
smile and walks away in a sari revealing an unnaturally tiny waist.)
The next
time you want to make someone feel like the hippopotamus in a flamingo zoo,
please think twice. Instead, ask your niece or nephew about their studies,
their jobs, their parents or even their pet plants. Then, if you subtly slipped
them some green tea, I won’t judge you.
And if
you’re tired of being the target of advice that you never asked for, just smile
and wave. If that doesn’t work, mock the flock. It’s the only way I know how.
Now excuse
me while I push my stomach into my rib cage.
-Anisha
Bhavnani
